losing it.

I feel like I’m losing it.

If you know me but at all, there is a chance you’re thinking: “She’s been off her rocker for years! She’s just now realizing?”

But that’s not what I mean. I know a little crazy lingers in my blood and bones.

I mean I’m losing it.

Time. More time. Free time. Not-so free time. Scheduled time. Even more time. And most notably, life.

I feel like I’m losing my life.

So I’ve grown frustrated, and angry. And annoyed. And tired. Because that’s what you do when life is slipping away.

Here is my confession: Much to my dismay, I have realized that I am angry because I am losing my life.

I am losing MY LIFE.

First of all, I’m selfish enough to claim dibs on a life I surrendered to Christ. And secondly, I’m entitled enough to think that I don’t have to share. My life or my time.

I’m upset because my life has been slipping away.

And that is what is supposed to happen.

Jesus warns us of that, quite a few times. Most notably in Matthew 16.

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciples must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for Me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?”

So I’ve worked myself up over something I should have expected. At least I would have expected if I’d read carefully.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for Me will find it. 

Stinks when I skip over something that I don’t want to apply and have to remember it the brutal way.

Wah.

Anyway. I’ve had to put a halt to my pity party. And stall all my efforts at regaining my life.

I’ve had to take inventory of ways I can give more away. I’ve had to re-evaluate the places where I am desperate to protect what’s mine, and give it away. Give it to the Lord. Give it to others. Devote it to love and to service.

If I’m too possessive, I’m wrong. Thats my motto.

Not because there aren’t things that are sacred and for us alone, but because if I’ve reached a place of bitterness over what I’m giving, then somethings wrong. And it’s most likely me.

So maybe the goal is to lose it. Completely. For the sake and glory of the gospel.

Because we’ve been warned, that it is in losing it, that we’re found.

whoever loses their life for Me will find it.

“To live a love that never fails. Love my neighbor as myself. And to give til there is nothing left to give. To live a faith that never dies. To be crucified with Christ. Until all that lives through me, is the message.” 4 HIM.

Lost in Love,

katie

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